By Adam S.

Whether it’s regarding licensing and testing requirements or drawing parallels between post-shooting gun control propositions and the idea of banning cars to fight drunk drivers, comparisons between guns and vehicles – usually cars – are a common fixture in the Great Internet Gun Debate. “Well,” I thought, “let’s ride that analogy train all the way to the end of the line.” So with that . . .


GLOCK (Any) & Honda Civic

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Functional. Sensible, affordable utility infielder. Collectibility potential: virtually nil.
GLOCK Racegun & Honda Civic With Spoiler 

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You can stick as much stuff on it as you want. It’s still what it is.
NAA Guardian & Smart Car
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Dimensions pushing lower limit of usability range. Not particularly fun. May make you a target of ridicule amongst your peers. Useful if you live in a big city.
S&W 5906 & Ford Crown Victoria

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Clunky and oversized, but generally reliable. Available stock exists almost exclusively as decommissioned police inventory.
S&W Model 17 & Woodie Wagon

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Design and construction evokes a simpler time when “wood slab bolted to metal slab” construction ruled the day. Your grandpa probably owned one.
AccuTek .380 & Eagle Vision
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Oh yeah, those. I think I’ve seen one of those before.
Beretta 21A Bobcat & Vespa
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Small. Italian. Limited effective range. Also useful if you live in a big city.
Calico & DeLorean
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Characterized by the marriage of futuristic aesthetics and questionable performance. Popularized by movies in the 1980s
Beretta 92F & Hummer
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Military legacy. Grossly oversized in most contexts.
“Mare’s leg” & Harley-Davidson Softail

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Outlaw spirit coupled with quintessentially American style. One-handed operation not recommended.
Charter Arms Pink Lady & Dodge LaFemme
Functionally identical to its less feminine counterparts. Pandering marketing strategy.
Tec-9 – Windowless White Van
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 rusty-van
Highly stigmatized. Commonly associated with criminals. Mere ownership sufficient to arouse suspicion.
Nambu Type 94 & 1986 Suzuki Samurai
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SuzukiSamurai
Top-heavy. Notoriously unsafe. Better luck next time, Japan!
Any Smart Gun & Self-Driving Cars From Minority Report

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Speculative technology from the annals of science fiction. Lofty-ambition tail wagging proof-of-concept dog. Exists in dystopian society where due process has been abolished and a legal precedent for the prosecution of thought-crime established.
Ruger P-series & Buick Skylark

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Blocky, charmingly outdated workhorse largely overtaken by sleeker models from parent manufacturer.
Taurus Judge & Chevy El Camino

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Hybrid resulting in less than the sum of its constituent parts.
Hi-Point C9 & AMC Gremlin
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Proof that “American-made” does not necessarily a mark of quality make. Better luck next time, America!
Tiger-Striped Desert Eagle & Oscar Mayer Wienermobile

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When it comes to ridiculous shit, go big or go home.
What vehicle does your gun resemble?

49 Responses to Contest Entry: What Vehicle Does Your Gun Resemble?

  1. Smith and Wesson Model 66 and DeLorean
    Nylon 66 and any farm truck
    Ruger Mini 14 and OD green military Jeep

    • P-64 and farm truck (mid 20th century, no power anything)
      Can be a bruiser to operate, but can be fun as hell.

  2. Great article and comparisons. Helps shine light on how ridiculous the firearm/automobile debate can get.

  3. I disagree with the Glock analogy. I have always seen Glocks as the 1980-1990’s solid axle Toyota Hilux. Ugly as sin, slow, but indestructible, goes anywhere, does anything. Those trucks are beautiful because of what they do not because of how they look. I owned a Honda Civic and for however bland and “ugly” Glocks are, the analogy to a Civic is so wrong, A Civic is boring, lifeless, slow, has no soul, and only barely accomplishes the job a people hauler. I sold my Civic less than 6months after my wife gave it to me when we got her a mom car, because I was intentionally trying to get into accidents so that it would be totaled out and I wouldn’t have to drive it anymore. The only reason I sold my Glock was because it was a .40

    • “A Civic is boring, lifeless, slow, has no soul, and only barely accomplishes the job a people hauler”

      In other words, you agree with the author’s analogy. Peoples’ heads would explode if they realized most agencies who use Glocks do so because the guns were nearasdammit free and basically fuctional. I’d be a Glock user too if a sales rep knocked on my door and offered to give me a brand new one if I paid them $50 for a quality holster.

      • ST,

        I carried a Colt 1911 and Sig P226 before I switched to the Glock. Sorry your such a hater, but it is just as reliable as the P226 and Colt I carried but lighter and holds more rounds. A win win in my book!!!

    • Agreed Glock and Toyota 4WD trucks. Also the Hi-Point and AMC Gremlin is right on target, both are ugly as sin and junk to boot, Haha!

    • TP-9: any Pontiac (a budget copy of a more expensive make)
      Tavor: Tesla Model X (new tech that’s actually old tech with some of the bugs worked out)
      AR-15: Ford Taurus (they’re American and they’re everywhere)
      AK-47: Subaru Outback (they’re tough and favored by Communists)
      SUB-2000: folding bicycle

  4. The car with the large trashcan size exhaust is actually a Nissan Primera (P10 platform), that is known as the Infiniti G20 in the US. Not a Honda Civic.

  5. My SD9VE is like my Kia Optima. Dependable, comfortable, better looking and cheaper than a Glock or Accord.

    My Ruger Mk III is like a Corolla. Dependable and designed decades ago. Bugs were worked out many years ago.

    My Taurus TCP is like is like a Mini Cooper. Cute little thing that can be fun but it has a unique personality.

    My old 70s era Taurus 84 revolver is like an old Dodge pick-up. Reliable old cheap thing that gets no respect.

  6. H&K P7 and Porsche 911. Expensive and German, of course. But more importantly, each is a design that doesn’t give a rat’s you-know-what about the accepted ways to do things, and each looks totally distinctive due to the unique layout. Oh, and neither handles like anything else.

  7. What about us truck guys? I drive a super duty on 35 inch mud tires and its tuned to the max. Does that resemble a M134D mini gun, ridiculously bad ass and expensive?

  8. M1 Garand : Jeep Cherokee FSJ
    Big, heavy, lots of grunt down low, and expensive to run/maintain.

    Mosin Nagant M91/30 : ’91 Chevy S10 Pickup
    Cheap, indestructible if maintained, highly modified by those with little sense.

    • Simonov SKS : Chevy K5 Blazer
      Has huge aftermarket support, most of which does nothing to improve function or appearance. Functional; more at home in the woods than anywhere else.

  9. Dead on with the 5906/Crown Vic, but you should have used one of the square-bodied Fords! Any AR I would pair with the new Mustangs, Camaros, and Challengers… yeah, it’s cool, but they are everywhere. Any pump shotty is a full-sized pickup. 1911s go with classic cars, cool all original or as a hot rod.

  10. 2000 Lincoln Town Car, inherited after the loss of my grandmother. Pre WWII Belgian Browning Auto five 12 ga. Inherited from my dear departed grandfather. Both overbuilt, and practically brand new, just a few signs of wear. Also, they both got enough power to give a little kick, but still manageable.

  11. Colt 1911 and ’47 Willys Jeep CJ2a (or any model between 1941-1956). What I’d really like to see are images showing how guns mimic their owners (kind of like dogs).

  12. I have no imagination on this topic, but I just want to say that this article is awesome. Adam, your comparisons had me laughing and nodding my head. Well done!

  13. Great entry! Top 3…I drove a Gremlin 40 years ago. It was NOT the worst car I ever drove-Chevy Vega,Datsun ,junk VW,awful Ford Maverick(4 different one) make my list.(dang I feel old). But they all drove-couldn’t get the Hi-point to EVER run…

  14. Ruger Police Security Six and rusty F-150 4WD stick. Looks big and clunky and no one wants to carry either, but run like hell, get the job done in any terrain and ain’t afraid of a little, or a lot, of mud or sawdust, or anything that walks the planet.

  15. Not like a Buick Skylark at all. The Ruger P Series is more like an 1988 Silverado with a 350 V8. Large and blocky and superseded by sleeker models from the same manufacturer, but still rugged and reliable.

  16. As a driver of a 13 Honda Fit, I can say that my Glock 19 fits the persona of my car.

    Both:

    – can effectively run with whatever fuel/ammo I load them with.
    – are highly rated for its size/class (kinda since g26 is sub which my fit is).
    – are easy to maintain.
    – are reliable and are capable of a high mileage count
    – are cheap and good for everyday carry/use.
    – are capable of storing a lot

    I recommend both tools for everyday use.

  17. Hmmm… either a Model A pickup or sedan, I’d say.

    Zero frills, automatic nothing and not appealing to videogamers, but solid metal and wood, reliable, peppy and more than sufficient.

    And they’re appealing to me.

  18. Ford F650 Diesel on mud tires /Barrett M82A1

    Huge, ridiculously impractical, and every time you hit the go button your wallet cries.

  19. Sig 226: 2008 Jeep Wrangler. Mostly functional, a little polish but nothing fancy, either runs perfect for hundreds of thousands of dirt road miles from the factory or has to get sent to the shop 5 times for who the hell knows what’s wrong.

  20. My Smith and Wesson 686-3 would be like a nice clean 80s Impala. Plenty of guts, no internal locks or computers, and classically styled.

  21. Rossi m92 lever action, rugged, dependable , used, but still packs one hell of a bite. Yup that fits the description of my ’96 bronco about right

  22. No love for AMC?
    That basic inline 6 was sold up until 2006 by Jeep and was nearly indestructible. Sure the Kenosha Cadillacs were often funny looking, overweight, ergonomic disasters but they ran and ran and ran. Oh…Hi Point you say? 🙂

    • My Tokarev TT-33 kind of reminds me of the 401cid AMC Javelin I used to have. Loved that car, but it’s MPG was nearly equal to it’s 0-60 time. I could watch the gas needle rapidly drop whenever those secondaries on the Holley opened up.

  23. I’m sorry but I’m not really seeing any resemblance between any of those guns and their corresponding cars. Must just be something for car guys…

  24. M14 and Chevy K2500 pickup. Heavy duty, utilitarian, gets the job done. Not ideal in close quarters, but more than capable when heavy lifting needs to be done.

    FN-LAR/FAL and 70s Land Rover.

  25. This is shockingly accurate. I’d put the Glock up with a fleet-spec F150, though. Both workhorses, medium duty, top sellers, all function- no form, boring reliability, can both be accessorized in endless ways.

    A flintlock and a Conestoga wagon.
    Coach gun and a, well, stagecoach.
    Derringer and bugeye sprite.
    AR15 and Jeep wrangler, just for the accessories.

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