By Adam S.
Whether it’s regarding licensing and testing requirements or drawing parallels between post-shooting gun control propositions and the idea of banning cars to fight drunk drivers, comparisons between guns and vehicles – usually cars – are a common fixture in the Great Internet Gun Debate. “Well,” I thought, “let’s ride that analogy train all the way to the end of the line.” So with that . . .
GLOCK (Any) & Honda Civic
Functional. Sensible, affordable utility infielder. Collectibility potential: virtually nil.
GLOCK Racegun & Honda Civic With Spoiler
You can stick as much stuff on it as you want. It’s still what it is.
NAA Guardian & Smart Car
Dimensions pushing lower limit of usability range. Not particularly fun. May make you a target of ridicule amongst your peers. Useful if you live in a big city.
S&W 5906 & Ford Crown Victoria
Clunky and oversized, but generally reliable. Available stock exists almost exclusively as decommissioned police inventory.
S&W Model 17 & Woodie Wagon
Design and construction evokes a simpler time when “wood slab bolted to metal slab” construction ruled the day. Your grandpa probably owned one.
AccuTek .380 & Eagle Vision
Oh yeah, those. I think I’ve seen one of those before.
Beretta 21A Bobcat & Vespa
Small. Italian. Limited effective range. Also useful if you live in a big city.
Calico & DeLorean
Characterized by the marriage of futuristic aesthetics and questionable performance. Popularized by movies in the 1980s
Beretta 92F & Hummer
Military legacy. Grossly oversized in most contexts.
“Mare’s leg” & Harley-Davidson Softail
Outlaw spirit coupled with quintessentially American style. One-handed operation not recommended.
Charter Arms Pink Lady & Dodge LaFemme
Functionally identical to its less feminine counterparts. Pandering marketing strategy.
Tec-9 – Windowless White Van
Highly stigmatized. Commonly associated with criminals. Mere ownership sufficient to arouse suspicion.
Nambu Type 94 & 1986 Suzuki Samurai
Top-heavy. Notoriously unsafe. Better luck next time, Japan!
Any Smart Gun & Self-Driving Cars From Minority Report
Speculative technology from the annals of science fiction. Lofty-ambition tail wagging proof-of-concept dog. Exists in dystopian society where due process has been abolished and a legal precedent for the prosecution of thought-crime established.
Ruger P-series & Buick Skylark
Blocky, charmingly outdated workhorse largely overtaken by sleeker models from parent manufacturer.
Taurus Judge & Chevy El Camino
Hybrid resulting in less than the sum of its constituent parts.
Hi-Point C9 & AMC Gremlin
Proof that “American-made” does not necessarily a mark of quality make. Better luck next time, America!
Tiger-Striped Desert Eagle & Oscar Mayer Wienermobile
When it comes to ridiculous shit, go big or go home.
What vehicle does your gun resemble?