Ban Vibrators!

Virbator (courtesy afflictor.com)

“A bomb squad blew up a briefcase and other suspicious items in a Pittsburgh man’s car Monday after he robbed a bank,” nbcnews.com reports. “With a sex toy. Specifically, a vibrator.” That’s the headline. Here are the ins and outs . . .

[Aaron] Stein was arrested after a PNC Bank in the Pittsburgh suburb of Crafton was robbed of an undisclosed amount of money Monday. Crafton Police Chief Mark Sumpter told NBC station WPXI of Pittsburgh that Stein “stated he had a bomb, showed the teller wires hanging out from his shirt and demanded cash.”

The robber drove off in a white Toyota, which was pulled over on a ramp to northbound Interstate 79 by Robinson Township police, Sumpter said.

Officers found money in a garbage bag, and beneath the front passenger seat, they found the device Stein is accused of having used in the bank robbery — “a makeshift box he made out of a box, black tape, vibrator and cellphone,” Sumpter said.

Clearly, we need to ban sex toys lest they be used for nefarious purposes.

comments

  1. avatar David says:

    Ahhhh ins and outs. I see what you did there.

    1. avatar uncommon_sense says:

      I picked up on that right away. That was terrible, wasn’t it? Pffftttttttt (suppressed laughter).

      1. avatar Sheepdog6 says:

        Do you have a tax stamp for the suppressor you used on your laughter?

  2. avatar Former Water Walker says:

    A vibrator? Come again?

    1. avatar TheOtherDavid says:

      well done…I face-palmed after I snorted milk up my nose….

  3. avatar Governmentknowsbest says:

    I…wait…what…why the f@$k is this even here?

    1. avatar 80 D says:

      Seconded save for levity. As evidenced by JWM’s comment below…

    2. avatar Gatha58 says:

      Just another post to show that problem is the Perp and not the tools he used. So banning guns, knives, bats, etc., etc., etc.. is not the way to solve the problems of the world. In fact it is really a distraction from any kind of rational solution to anything. If there is a solution. There will always be some idiot that thinks he can get away with something and make some “easy money”.

  4. avatar JWM says:

    I’ll bet the evidence techs double gloved on that one.

  5. avatar Deng says:

    This is a knee-jerk reaction from the left wing anti-vibe crowd. You can have my Doc Johnson from my cold, dead hand!

    Lifetime Member of the NVA

  6. avatar gsnyder says:

    Vibrators are dangerous and need to be licensed, registered and severely restricted. A Universal background check would be helpful. Clearly, vibrators can slip into malicious hands with nasty intent. We may need smart vibrators. A vibrator in the hands of an inexperienced operator often returns unintended results. We’d be far better off without vibrators. Ban vibrators.

    1. avatar Troutbum5 says:

      Vibrators are, in fact, regulated by federal law, as medical devices. 21 CFR, Subchapter J to be exact. They were once used to treat “hysteria” in women. I’m sure the doctors and patients enjoyed that. Which is why the ones available now say some thing about being a novelty only on the packaging. I’m sure all of you were just dying to know that.

      1. avatar Grindstone says:

        Which is why the ones available now say some thing about being a novelty only on the packaging.

        I wondered about that. I knew about the “hysteria” thing (interesting how so many old “medical” treatments involved rape and sex) but didn’t know about the law on that.

        1. avatar Geoff PR says:

          At one time (years and years back) doctors would stimulate some women to orgasm.

          I’m not kidding.

          Why Did Doctors Stop Giving Women Orgasms?

          http://www.psmag.com/health-and-behavior/doctors-stop-giving-women-orgasms-95126

          Vibrators and Clitoridectomies: How Victorian Doctors Took Control of Women’s Orgasms

          http://jezebel.com/5914350/vibrators-and-clitoridectomies-how-victorian-doctors-took-control-of-womens-orgasms

          Dr. Swift’s Cure for Hysteria

          http://www.explorehistoricalif.com/hysteria.html

    2. avatar Chris M says:

      Poor vibrator discipline or carrying it in the pocket in an unsafe manner can often lead to negligent or unintended discharges.

  7. avatar Mike says:

    His lawyer thinks he can get him off.

    1. avatar MAC][ says:

      Lots of great comments here, but I about woke the kids up laughing at this one!

    2. avatar uncommon_sense says:

      You sir win the Intertubez for the month with that one!

    3. avatar Accur81 says:

      Ewww!

  8. avatar blahpony says:

    No one needs a 10 inch vibrator.

  9. avatar Chris T from KY says:

    I was watching the tv show sex sent me to the ER and this one one of the episodes. A vibrator can be a dangerous thing!!!

  10. avatar beefeater says:

    Was it an assault vibrator? Did it have a pistol grip and adjustable stock? Was it select fire? We obviously need a new AVB on the books!

    1. avatar MEH says:

      No pistol grip or adjustable stock. Just the thingy that goes up.

      1. avatar bob says:

        …and down, up and down…

      2. avatar Jon in CO says:

        It may only have two (2) evil features. Compensator, pistol grip, included with some models.

    2. avatar VSN says:

      GD it. Now, I want to see a vibe with a pistol grip but am too afraid to search for one.

      1. avatar beefeater says:

        Luckily, my browser history already far more alarming things in it. Google results for “pistol grip vibrator” are odd. The first result was unexpected:
        http://solutionsinmotion.clevelandvibrator.com/industrial-vibration-its-high-noon-partner-with-our-pistol-grip-vibrator/

        The third result was what I expected (and possibly NSFW):
        http://boingboing.net/2010/08/30/steampunk-ray-gun-se.html

        And the fifth result was my original comment on this article.

      2. We-ell, back in my misspent youth, I did incorporate a chrome plated personal massage unit into a Star Wars-type model blaster, using a toy machine gun with a barrel that moved back and forth and an extra bright LED at the tip. Someone bought it at a sci-fi convention, and I DON’T want to know what they used it for… ;^.^

  11. avatar CGinTX says:

    To be fair, there are positives to allowing free and unfettered access to vibrators, not least of which is mitigating the unwelcome effects of unintentional discharges.

    1. avatar uncommon_sense says:

      Well played … well played indeed!

  12. avatar Marc says:

    Taking a different tack here……..how can it be a makeshift box if he used an actual box in its construction?

  13. avatar Dirk Diggler says:

    Wait! What’s this guy’s name? We haven’t heard from Shannon in awhile. Where is her husband at??

    1. avatar Geoff PR says:

      If Shannon has one it is likely fed with dedicated 3-phase power…

      And the neighborhood lights dim momentarily when switched on…

      1. avatar Rambeast says:

        Her travel unit is a 2 stroke pull-start model.

  14. To go along with the comedy and bring it to a newer low. As a single man I am in favor of an out right ban on vibrators. They should not be allowed to be sold anywhere. 🙂 LOL

    1. avatar Grindstone says:

      Don’t throw out the idea of bringing some toys along when you do get lucky.

  15. avatar Gordon Wagner says:

    I believe Arizona has a five vibrator limit. HOW MANY VIBRATORS YA GOT IN THERE? Clearly this is a pressing safety issue.

    1. avatar MAC][ says:

      How many vibrators does one NEED anyway? I mean, look at the cold hard facts lest you get cold-cocked by them.

  16. avatar JK says:

    “Nine times out of ten it’s an electric razor. But, every once in a while… it’s a dildo. Of course, it’s company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo. We have to use the indefinite article, “a dildo”, never … “your dildo”.”

    1. avatar sagebrushracer says:

      good movie, that.

    2. avatar Grindstone says:

      Disappointed it took this long.

  17. avatar mdc says:

    Ahh, to be a chick for a day.

  18. avatar Russ Bixby says:

    Have to ban cell phones as we-

    1. avatar Geoff PR says:

      There used to be women’s undies with a beeper pouch sewn in front…

      So they could be remote vibrated…

  19. avatar T Rogers says:

    This brings back memories of an old joke:
    Lady walks into a store and asks the clerk where the D cell batteries are. The clerk makes a finger gesture telling to lady to “come this way”. She says if I could come that way I wouldn’t need D cell batteries.

    1. avatar Grindstone says:

      The question I have is what is she using that requires multiple D-cells…

      1. avatar T Rogers says:

        Go big or go home. Maybe the “AAA” or “AA” just didn’t “fit” the bill any longer.

  20. avatar Paul53 says:

    DEA and Secret Service need to stop leaving their luggage lying around.

  21. avatar Janet stasktsi says:

    Mr. Robert, while I find this piece funny, it’s only because this incident was comical. Equating the satiric regulating of vibrators at the regulations of guns is farcacil. While both guns to some, and vibrators to many give pleasure, vibrators and not designed to kill. Many people rob banks with various fake weapons. I’m a responsible gun owner, when you write pieces like this you are ridiculing the process and not helping our cause. Your byline states you want to discuss the fun and danger of guns. You’re not starting a discussion, you are inciting.

    1. avatar Kstan says:

      Lighten up Lawrence

    2. avatar DJ says:

      This incites nothing. How you choose to enjoy yourself in the privacy of your own home has nothing to do with “bank robbery by augmented dildo.”

      That is all.

      1. avatar Janet stasktsi says:

        The definition of incite is to mix things with the intention to disturb. The byline of this website is to discuss. Equating guns and vibrators does nothing to add to the discussion and only gives the Left ammo that gun owners laugh at any real discussion. I am also 100% behind you on what you want to do in your home is your right i.e. Having a gun, a vibrator, a copy of the constitution, even hosting same sex couples. It’s you house, your privacy

  22. avatar rosignol says:

    …nine felony counts including aggravated assault, robbery, threatening to use a weapon of mass destruction….

    It seems to me that there is an unneeded letter somewhere in that sentence.

  23. avatar Defens says:

    Sigh, Markley’s law invoked yet again….

  24. avatar AnhydrousWater says:

    Ill give you my vibrator, when you pry it from my cold dead hands 😛

    1. avatar JK says:

      “The only way to stop a bad guy with a vibrator…”

      1. avatar AnhydrousWater says:

        A fear of vibrators is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity.

        1. If you outlaw vibrators, only outlaws will have vibrators.

        2. avatar AnhydrousWater says:

          If I could have banned them all – ‘Mr. and Mrs. America turn in your vibrators’ – I would have!

  25. avatar Siris says:

    And he just unknowingly invented the blue tooth controled vibrator…
    *patent pending

  26. avatar Aerindel says:

    If it saves even one child…

    1. avatar Geoff PR says:

      “If it saves even one child…”

      From being conceived…

      The savings for the guy over the next 18 years would be incalculable…

      🙂

  27. avatar Jared A. Chambers says:

    I know you’re trying to make a point here. . . but you know, there are actually states and localities that DO ban vibrators and sex toys. It’s sad. . . even when trying to be absurd, government’s already done it.

  28. avatar Royal Tony says:

    Clearly, that is a back massager from The Sharper Image.

  29. avatar I1ULUZ says:

    I feel for the click bait title, I just had to see what all the BUZZING was about.

  30. avatar Paper Street Soap Company says:

    Modern bombs don’t tick, they vibrate.

  31. avatar pod says:

    If the vibrator industry were as regulated as the firearms industry, all the devices featured on the website f–kingmachines dot com would be post-ban and illegal for civilian possession unless they had a demo letter from Larry Flynt and had paid their SOT and had the proper FFL.

  32. avatar Kap says:

    wonder if he had an NFA stamp, Was it registered as a lethal weapon! bet they caught him as he tried too hide it and it accidentally came on

  33. avatar Rusty Chains says:

    Little Chucky Schumer is set to introduce new legislation to ban the unlicensed sale of dangerous, high capacity, high voltage, assault stimulation devices. He also denied rumors that his wife chipped a tooth on a chrome plated version she received from an unnamed admirer.

  34. avatar Barada says:

    FBI statistics show that as vibrator ownership increases crime decreases.

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