German asparagus pickers (courtesy nbcnews.com)

“Police in northeast Germany raced to what they thought was a 10-strong gang armed with knives and sticks over the weekend,” nbcnews.com reports. “But much to their surprise, officers instead found a group of asparagus pickers walking to their lunch break.” With knives! Long knives! Asparagus picking knives! Wearing hoodies! The horror. The horror. [h/t mister3d]

44 Responses to Ban Asparagus!

  1. Gateway vegetable. Sure, a few grilled asparagus spears at a party and the next thing you know you’re buying broccoli by the pound. Hardcore users have been known to drink kale smoothies (shudder).

    • I think you’re being too kind. What passes for Western culture these days is nothing more or less than a collection of simpering ninnies.

      • Well, then, dump the petri dishes into the bleach rinse, autoclave them and let’s start again. And fix the damn lock on the lab door. Idiots off the street wandering in and sneezing on the samples…. Mutter mumble kids these days grumble no way to run a lab mutter…

    • Hate to break the news, but Western European culture has long been dominated by “ninnies” or “pansies” or whatever. Books and satirical pamphlets and plays aren’t usually the turf of the tactical beard operator crew. Thomas Paine probably never picked up a gun to defend America, but his pen did a pretty good job.

  2. The Germans will never ban asparagus; they love the stuff like we love our ARs, and take spargel-season *very* seriously.

    “…… Aus mein kalten, toten händen!”

    • hmmm spargel

      people who haven’t been to Germany don’t have any idea how incredibly delicious German food is. You can’t get good German food anywhere else butnGermany – it’s always bland elsewhere.

      • +1,000
        Spent a summer in Deutschland and sampled all that their cuisine had to offer. Even the cheap Bratwurst stand in Weimar’s town square was phenomenal.

      • @ Aaron
        I never even liked asparagus until I tried spargel. I was stationed 5 years in Mannheim; of all the things I miss about Germany, the food is definitely #1. If I could find flammkuchen or good weisswurst here, I’d be a much happier man. There was a decent little German grocer in Fountain/Colorado Springs, but it still wasn’t the same.

      • Aaron lets make a deal: When I come to the US, I will cook for you some Rouladen with Klöße or some other nice stuff and you take me to the range and show me how to shout. Deal? 😉

      • Mostlikely they where from poland or romania. The most workers on the asparagus fields are either from poland or romania.

  3. You can have my asparagus when you take it from my cold, dead, butter dripping fork. Although my 7yo granddaughter might kick off on yer butt if you get to it first.

  4. While this seems extreme to us here in America, remember they have sympathized with, coddled, and supported Muslim extremists and Sharia Law for decades and are now realizing their mistake too late and over-reacting in a panic. This is what tolerance of regressive 14th Century religious morals and behavior in the name of progressive elitist statism brings: decline, fear, and (like the riots in Paris) chaos. I hope we stop the “tolerance” here soon enough to avoid the same tragedies.

    • Well, and the Turkish guest workers brought in after WWII never had a chance to attain German citizenship; nor did – do – their children.

      Some Americans lament that our immigrants – legal or otherwise – aren’t integrating into mainstream American culture very quickly. The guest workers in Germany were never even given that chance in the first place, and it iis denied to their descendants as well. So of course they formed their own communities and feel marginalized and isolated – they are, and it was deliberate.

  5. This story is funny only up until you realize that carrying a blade longer than 8,5cm (3,3 inches) can land you in jail in Germany.

    Quite a few Czechs who were either mountaineering alongside Czech-German border or decided to take a week long trip from the Czech Republic via Germany to Austria found themselves in front of a German judge because of that.

    Most of the borders of the Czech Republic consists of mountain ranges and some trails leading to the summits criss-cross the actual border (there are no border controls). Needless to say when you go on a trail you don’t know you often find out that it crosses the actual border only once you stand in front of the border demarcation. Everyone is aware that they can’t carry their gun across the border, but quite a few people forget about a knife, or to be more precise can’t even imagine the world of trouble they will be once the German cop spots them speaking Czech and decides they are the right candidates for a stop and frisk.

    • Those poor, poor Czech tourists. Mercilessly looked upon as friskees by the ever-vigilant German Border Patrol. Body-searched and then, and then. Thrown in front of them judges! Those Czech-hating prosecutors demanding fines of horrific, apocalyptic proportions. Yeah, right. Now. Gimme a break.

      Find another place to whine. There is an almost empty space in the middle of Old Europe, where hardly anyone lives, and only few make tourist trips to. Because there is nothing to be seen. Yey, I am writing about the hilly woods of the border between Germany and Czechia. Apart from a road leading from Dresden to the south, which sometimes is busy, othertimes deserted and empty (feral hogs count not), there neither is any meaningful tourism, nor meaningful activity of any other kind.

      For fine food, mentioned earlier, you go to Rhineland. Close to the French border and the farthest from the Czech one. Western Germany is the place, on the river Rhine.

      • This really seems to have touched a nerve for you. Was your mother stabbed by a wandering Czech mountaineer, Adolf?

  6. We don’t use knives to get ours, it breaks off nicely at the bottom of the stem. You don’t need a dangerous military type weapon for this task….think of how many children we could save if people would just break it off at the stem….

    • In order to harvest the WHITE asparagus you need to use the knife as depicted. Only for the lesser sorts, which aren’t completely covered with the rich soil, you might not need the knife.
      The most tasteful asparagus develops its sticks as deep as 3,4 or even 5 feet under ground. Harvesting it without digging deep, and cutting even deeper, is not possible.

  7. This puts the hysterical nanny stater into quite the bind. On the one hand they want to force-feed everyone elses child the vegetable. On the other it’s long and pointy and therefore resembles a weapon, or worse an oppressive aggressive family beating penis.
    What we need are special “only ones” to harvest the evil rod behind high walls where no other will be exposed to the sight of them thereby mitigating any chance of feeling unsafe and brought to immediate processing to be pureed and packed into jars with non-threatening images and labels on them.

    Baby food for everyone today. Soylent green tomorrow.

  8. Really strange what American networks deem newsworthy. That occurrence wasn’t in the big news in Germany only in local news and only in a rather small column. You make good fiction television, but you’re news seem to be s****.

    • We don’t get much in the way of news these days from networks and traditional print media. More like fascist agitprop from ‘democrat’ operatives with bylines.

  9. “This story is funny only up until you realize that carrying a weapon longer than 8,5cm (3,3 inches) can land you in jail in Germany.”

    Whew! I’m safe as long as I stay out of the ‘Red Light District!’

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