Random Thoughts From Las Vegas: A Tale of Two Conventions (NSFW)

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends. (courtesy The Truth About Guns)

Last week’s SHOT Show was my third or fourth convention; in all the excitement I kinda lost track. It was definitely the first show where I made the trek to the Hard Rock Cafe to visit the annual AVN convention. That’s where adult entertainment actors meet and greet a Clorox of OFWGs who believe – quite rightly – that a picture of themselves posing next to a half-naked porn star will give their Facebook page a certain je ne sais quoi. As a man of the world, I can report that the main hall held few attractions. The real action was in the toy room . . .

I was blown away (so to speak) by the ingenuity of the sex toys on display and the entrepreneurial spirit behind them. What kind of mind looks at a kids’ Hippity Hop ball and thinks, you know what this needs? A dildo! A built-in dildo! And then sets about the arduous job of creating, marketing and selling a dildo-sprouting bouncy ball.

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There were dozens of truly amazing inventions. A ball-shaped vibrator that uses ultra-sound technology for up to 40 different speeds and 20 different patterns (fully submersible for bath-time fun). An ankle strap dildo for people who want to give themselves penetrative sex as they pleasure others while on their knees. All-natural lubricant with vitamin E and aloe to heal cuts and abrasions. A pillow with a secret compartment to hide toys while keeping them within easy reach.

I suggested to the owner that the pillow could be used for a firearm. “Way ahead of you,” he said, showing me a video of his boss shooting through the pillow. “It has a holster pocket too.” Apparently, these “hide your vibe” pillows have been around for ages. The Glock Store’s been selling something similar for at least two years [click here for YouTube video]. Respect to the people trying to make money making our lives better, whether that’s by hiding dildos or building GLOCK handguns.

It’s easy to miss the forest from the trees at SHOT. We journos scurry around trying to find The Next Big Thing. The GLOCK 42. The Remington R51. The Gilboa double-barreled AR-15. [Click here for our coverage.] The real story of the show: diversity. We’re talking 12 miles of show floor filled with thousands of firearms-related products for millions of Americans; goods that go through the same basic development process as the AVN’s sex toys. Guns, optics, slings, clothing, boots, cases, safes, and on and on. SHOT could swallow the AVN without even noticing. Maybe I should rephrase that . . .

The antis think of SHOT’ as a secret gathering of “death merchants” who “push guns” on weak-willed citizens. I view SHOT as both the incubator and safe zone for the Second Amendment, using the world’s best communications system (capitalism) for the benefit of all. Sure, there are gun industry types who’d throw your natural, civil and Constitutional right to keep and bear arms under the proverbial bus in the name of fiscally remunerative “compromise.” But there are plenty who wouldn’t.

The SHOT Show reveals the health and vitality of our gun rights as surely as AVN reveals the health and vitality of the urge to merge. In one we have the literal embodiment of our species’ instinctive need for self-defense, which includes using firearms to create a society where we can safely obtain resources for our individual and collective survival. In the other we have an easily understood display of our instinctive desire to pass on our genes, which includes keeping a long-standing partner sexually satisfied.

You can have my girl but don't touch my hat (courtesy The Truth About Guns)

Guns and sex. It’s a yin-yang thang. Maybe that’s why guns are sexy and sex evokes so may firearms-related metaphors. In any case, I’m going to say it: happiness is a warm gun. And a surprisingly attractive porn star who told me why she prefers striker-fired handguns to hammer-fired pistols while modeling my hat (facing backwards). Go figure.

comments

  1. avatar Andrew says:

    Eww, Rob. You went to the AVN show?

    You know what this rifle needs? A Dildo.

    1. avatar freakshowSMVM says:

      Picatinny mounted dildo…for when you really want to F*ck your adversaries!

      Off to raid the wife’s stash and then find a spare scope ring. This will become an awesome meme.

      1. avatar James says:

        SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!

        1. avatar Tom in Oregon says:

          Uproarious laughter here!!!!!

        2. avatar TheYetti says:

          I’d be lol-ing if I wasn’t on the phone.

      2. avatar MW says:

        We’re anxiously awaiting pictures.

        1. avatar FreakshowSMVM says:

          soon….apparently a scope ring in that size is not something i have, this will be a custom job requiring lots of bondage to make it work. but it will happen. i will be able to really give it to my enemies!

      3. avatar Robb says:

        Obligatory…sorry about your penis joke. But…pics!

      4. avatar Supero100 says:

        1″ or 30mm??

        Do the math quickly!

    2. avatar Raul Ybarra says:

      Maybe the Slide Fire guys could come up with something good for that market…

      1. avatar DisThunder says:

        The visual that instantly put into my brain made me laugh so hard I fell out of my chair.
        BBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTT!

        1. avatar ShaunL. says:

          Or even better from the Naked Gun movie…

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfxY8s_Ex7E

  2. avatar Tom says:

    The real question is when will we see a tactical fleshlight, or a less than lethal 40mm dildo round.

    1. avatar Andrew says:

      LOL!!

      I’m envisioning the scene from Jackass 3D when they fire the dildo over small model landscapes.. Classic!

    2. avatar Michael B. says:

      Tactical fapkins.

      1. avatar Pulatso says:

        You can operate so with those!

    3. avatar chuck (hates nj) says:

      Nothing says deterrent like a dildo flying at 300 fps.

    4. avatar Mike says:

      They already have that, so you can get your combat jack on in style.

      http://www.originalsoegear.com/fleshlight.html

    5. avatar Supero100 says:

      Dead Rising 3 suggests all you need is a dildo and a leaf blower:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbaXNABScoo

      1. avatar Matt in FL says:

        Hooray for unlimited ammo?

        That thing’s got less stopping power than a GLOCK-brand GLOCK 42!

  3. avatar chuck (hates nj) says:

    Maybe you should be sending those bouncy balls for the repeat igotd awards winners. Its probably a safer activity for repeat offenders.

    1. avatar Andrew says:

      Gosh officer, it just went off!

  4. avatar Taylor Tx says:

    Call me crazy but I noticed the hat was on backwards (or I indeed have lost it) before some of the other details 🙂 Im sure theres some firearms companies who enjoy the convenient pairing of the AVN quite a bit, lots of laughs in this post, thanks.

    1. avatar Foster says:

      What hat?

    2. avatar peirsonb says:

      Backward really depends on whose hat it is. If it’s hers and has always been hers the ribbon should be on the right. A man wears it on the left. If my wife were to wear my hat with the ribbon on the right the shape of the brim would definitely give it away as backward.

      Also, if it IS a man’s hat some guy is getting lucky….try the hat, try the cowboy…

  5. avatar emfourty gasmask says:

    LOL run into Bad Dragon over there?

  6. avatar Matt in FL says:

    Thanks for the entertaining read. You’re good at this. You should probably start a blog or something.

  7. avatar 0351 says:

    Other Marines may remember “the big green dildo”. Suffice to say I once had an idea for a joke involving glue, a bayonet stud, and a green dildo. I never followed through, but a man can dream….

  8. avatar jwm says:

    So many dildoes. maybe the women are trying to tell the men something? If she’s turning to plastic and rubber, maybe she ain’t happy.

    1. avatar Matt in FL says:

      I think it’s not a binary situation.

      1. avatar MW says:

        +1 for logic.

  9. avatar Justin says:

    I too made my way to the AVN show, and was surprised to find quite a few gunnies there. For what its worth, anyone there for SHOT that knew of AVN is lying if they said they didn’t stop by the hard rock…even for a drink or 12.

  10. avatar C says:

    Curling, porn, and guns. Best week ever in Vegas.

  11. avatar Matt says:

    Apparently none of you have been on 4chan very often.

    1. avatar 16V says:

      There’s been /b/tards here since about month three that I know of. Though there’s not as many summers here. Yet…

      1. avatar Matt says:

        Well /k/ does fit a little better given the blog…

        Is a nugget mounted dragon dildo next?

        Once can only hope.

        1. avatar 16V says:

          You’re correct of course oldfriend. There was a thread on /k/ a while ago about a dildo on a picatinny rail. Despite the breadth and scope of Moot’s contribution to modern civilization, when someone says “4chan” I immediately think /b/…

  12. avatar Ike says:

    Awwww. You guys could have skipped the AVN show and walked over to the Beinfeld Antique Gun Show at the Riviera Casino….. Wouldn’t have created as interesting copy, but – at my age, a lot more interesting! Didn’t see a single dildo…. Oh, wait, there were a couple walking around….. but most were normal gun guys (and girls). Saw at least five 1893 Borchardt pistols – $20,000 and up (mostly up). Lots of old Winchesters, Lugers, Marlins, Remingtons, you name it.

  13. avatar Anon in CT says:

    Curling? What did I miss?

    1. avatar Cliff H says:

      Many Canadians seem to prefer curling over sex. At any rate I’ve never seen a Canadian produced porn vid where the two are combined.

      1. avatar 16V says:

        While not Canadian produced, Rule 34 is always in effect….

        http://www.slanchreport.com/2010-articles/march/the-curling-porn-youve-been-clamoring-for.html

        You’re welcome.

  14. avatar ShaunL. says:

    My question: Did you write this article so you could write off the cost of your AVN tickets(and purchases?) on your taxes as a “business expense”?

    If so, I salute you sir!

  15. avatar Ralph says:

    Which convention had the hottest booth babes? Enquiring minds want to know.

  16. avatar Mighty Mo says:

    Geez, I hate when that happens! I walked funny for a week the last time my bouncy ball got aroused.

  17. avatar Rabbit says:

    I’m thinking they should give those bouncy balls in lieu of gift cards during gun buybacks. Maybe people would start to get the idea of what is really happening.

  18. avatar Admiral Ackbar says:

    Was Choda boy there with his c0ck rocket?

  19. avatar 2hotel9 says:

    You are killing me, man! I been fighting the flu and all this laughing has me light headed.

  20. avatar Jake says:

    Commonly heard phrases at the AVN Show:

    You’re going to need to register that dildo.
    You’ll have to pay a $200 tax stamp if it’s over 16 inches.

  21. avatar Nelson says:

    sure Rob…you went and “read it for the article”… I mean ingenuity…

    xD

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