Zero Tolerance Government Functionary of the Day: Bernard Stellar

You know the country’s in trouble when Al Qaeda’s able to recruit five-year-old schoolgirls. But thanks to the diligent work of the vigilant bureaucrats who run the Mount Carmel Area (PA) government schools, they’ve sniffed out a budding un-named little terrorist before she could wreak havoc on the peaceful Keystone State community. According to, while “Talking with a friend, the girl said something to the effect ‘I’m going to shoot you and I will shoot myself’ in reference to the device that shoots out bubbles. The girl did not have the bubble gun with her and has never shot a real gun in her life, (the girl’s attorney, Robin) Ficker said.” . . .

Elementary school officials learned of the conversation and questioned the girls the next day, Fickler said. He said the girl did not have a parent present during the 30 minutes of questioning.

The result, he said, was that the student was labeled a “terrorist threat” and suspended for 10 days, Ficker said. The school also required her to be evaluated by a psychologist, Ficker said.

Par for the course in these cases, the school district is declining to comment, hiding behind the “we can’t discuss disciplinary matters” dodge. But we’ll place a call tomorrow to the ironically named Superintendent Bernard Stellar to see if he’s willing to try to defend the indefensible. And even if he’s not at liberty to discuss the 5-year-old bullet he dodged, we’ll ask if a conspicuous lack of common sense and an inability to use rational thought are prerequisites for a job as a government schools superintendent or whether it’s something that’s naturally developed over time.