You’ve heard of the dead walking the earth. Now we have a new situation to deal with: metal tools brazenly committing felonies. In an article titled, Gun robs fast food worker, something called laurinburgexchange.com indulges in a little acute anthropomorphism to describe an armed robbery in the North Carolina town yesterday. “Around 12:30 a.m. on Wednesday, Fredrick Lawrence McPhatter, 21, of 419 East Covington St. approached Joshia Locklear outside of McDonald’s while Locklear was on his break, shooting near his head and causing minor injury to his right eye, said Lt. Marc Godwin of the Laurinburg Police Department.” McPhatter’s jacket then concealed the stolen goods in a pocket as his shoes fled the scene of the crime. Fortunately, a police cruiser located the lawless gun and clothing nearby and took them into custody.

19 Responses to It Should Have Been A DGU: It’s Alive! Edition

  1. Hey, don’t laugh at this article guys. Guns really are alive people. I can prove it:last month I went to the local gun store to buy ammo.I looked at a 1911 in the used gun case, and somehow the gun forced me to buy it. I was dragged out of the store by the handle of the pistol case!

      • Don’t it piss you off. Have a little discretionary money put away and some evil gun takes it. And that’s only the beginning. All the bad guns I have are on an ammo habit that’s very costly. These addicted guns are going to bankrupt me one of these days.

        • I know how you feel. I have to handload to feed my 1911’s voracious appetite and chronic competitive shooting habit. Can you believe it’s gone through over 3000 rounds since March? I’ve tried talking with it, and it did take a two-week break one time. After that, though, it was right back out to the range for Tuesday night USPSA league. Pretty soon I’ll be casting bullets for it, too!

        • We need to found a program….”Hello, my name is JWM and I have a codependent gun and to my shame I’m it’s enabler.”

    • This the ONLY good thing about California’s 10 day waiting period. You don’t get any instant gratification so it’s easier to resist impulse buys.

  2. Hey, if corporations (Ruger, Remington, S&W) are people, then wouldn’t that also make the things that they produce (i.e. their children) people too?

  3. This reminds me of the gun store robbery in late August where a van intentionally drove three men to a gun store in North Augusta, S.C., and then crashed, injuring several walls and a plate glass window. The store owner’s gun, which was evil, shot all three men. Fifty wild guns that tried to escape were captured. Fortunately, the van, which had no prior criminal record, is expected to make a full recovery and will be placed with a good family headed by Mater.

  4. I often find myself reminding (non-gun) people that “the gun” didn’t do anything. It didn’t commit a robbery, and it didn’t murder anyone. I remind them that if the guns could do it on their own, I’d probably be dead by now, since my guns would have an uprising for not being used as much as they should. But since they are inanimate objects with no propensity for self-locomotion, they just hang out in the safe, busily doing not a damn thing.

    Protip – if you *really* want to get someone’s knickers in a twist when they spout off how guns are evil, tell them that religion is evil too, using their logic.

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