It Should Have Been A DGU: It’s Alive! Edition

You’ve heard of the dead walking the earth. Now we have a new situation to deal with: metal tools brazenly committing felonies. In an article titled, Gun robs fast food worker, something called laurinburgexchange.com indulges in a little acute anthropomorphism to describe an armed robbery in the North Carolina town yesterday. “Around 12:30 a.m. on Wednesday, Fredrick Lawrence McPhatter, 21, of 419 East Covington St. approached Joshia Locklear outside of McDonald’s while Locklear was on his break, shooting near his head and causing minor injury to his right eye, said Lt. Marc Godwin of the Laurinburg Police Department.” McPhatter’s jacket then concealed the stolen goods in a pocket as his shoes fled the scene of the crime. Fortunately, a police cruiser located the lawless gun and clothing nearby and took them into custody.

comments

  1. avatar Kelly in GA says:

    HA! Sarcasm!

    1. avatar Jfoster says:

      She fixed the title, now it’s gunman.

  2. avatar ST says:

    Hey, don’t laugh at this article guys. Guns really are alive people. I can prove it:last month I went to the local gun store to buy ammo.I looked at a 1911 in the used gun case, and somehow the gun forced me to buy it. I was dragged out of the store by the handle of the pistol case!

    1. avatar Moonshine7102 says:

      I hate it when that happens.

      1. avatar jwm says:

        Don’t it piss you off. Have a little discretionary money put away and some evil gun takes it. And that’s only the beginning. All the bad guns I have are on an ammo habit that’s very costly. These addicted guns are going to bankrupt me one of these days.

        1. avatar Moonshine7102 says:

          I know how you feel. I have to handload to feed my 1911’s voracious appetite and chronic competitive shooting habit. Can you believe it’s gone through over 3000 rounds since March? I’ve tried talking with it, and it did take a two-week break one time. After that, though, it was right back out to the range for Tuesday night USPSA league. Pretty soon I’ll be casting bullets for it, too!

        2. avatar jwm says:

          We need to found a program….”Hello, my name is JWM and I have a codependent gun and to my shame I’m it’s enabler.”

    2. avatar Fletch says:

      This the ONLY good thing about California’s 10 day waiting period. You don’t get any instant gratification so it’s easier to resist impulse buys.

  3. avatar Matt in FL says:

    Hey, if corporations (Ruger, Remington, S&W) are people, then wouldn’t that also make the things that they produce (i.e. their children) people too?

    1. avatar Bruce says:

      Does this mean my Ruger SR9c gets to vote? * grins*

      1. avatar tdiinva says:

        In certain places around the world it would be one the only voters.

  4. avatar Mauser says:

    McPhatter? Sounds like McDonald’s answer to Wendy’s Hot ‘N Juicy 3/4 lb. triple bacon cheeseburger.

    1. avatar Greg Camp says:

      Dang it, you beat me to the joke: McPhatter robs a McDonald’s–no, seriously…

      1. avatar Will says:

        Careful McDonald’s lawyers will be over here quicker than you can say “reload” suing you for the use of “Mc” at the beginning of a word.

        1. avatar Moonshine7102 says:

          They can mcfvck themselves. See what I did there? Not capitalized = no lawsuit.

  5. avatar GS650G says:

    I better check the lock on my safe, there are few pretty big guns in there.

  6. avatar Ralph says:

    This reminds me of the gun store robbery in late August where a van intentionally drove three men to a gun store in North Augusta, S.C., and then crashed, injuring several walls and a plate glass window. The store owner’s gun, which was evil, shot all three men. Fifty wild guns that tried to escape were captured. Fortunately, the van, which had no prior criminal record, is expected to make a full recovery and will be placed with a good family headed by Mater.

  7. avatar JustAJ says:

    I often find myself reminding (non-gun) people that “the gun” didn’t do anything. It didn’t commit a robbery, and it didn’t murder anyone. I remind them that if the guns could do it on their own, I’d probably be dead by now, since my guns would have an uprising for not being used as much as they should. But since they are inanimate objects with no propensity for self-locomotion, they just hang out in the safe, busily doing not a damn thing.

    Protip – if you *really* want to get someone’s knickers in a twist when they spout off how guns are evil, tell them that religion is evil too, using their logic.

  8. avatar JoshinGA says:

    That is the worst writing I have seen in a while. What moron would post that online thinking it was ok?

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