BREAKING: Another Mass Shooting, 3 Dead, 17 Wounded

Oh, wait. There wasn’t a wacko in a theater or a racist nutjob in a temple this time. No, this was just another Friday night in Chicago. The same city with some of the toughest anti-gun laws in the nation ensuring its citizens’ safety. And that explains why you won’t be hearing any anguished cries for stricter gun control laws (they already have ’em), bewilderment over why anyone would want or need to carry a handgun (they can’t…legally), or impassioned calls for making sure the mentally ill don’t have access to firearms (ahem). So never mind. Nothing to see here. Move along.