OMG OMG! The Russians Have Zombie Guns! OMG!

Did your dad build a bomb shelter under your house back in the fifties? Are you old enough to have been scared into fits of apoplexy when Sputnik went up? Did Miss Landers show you those happy, helpful Duck and Cover government-produced shorts showing how to survive a nuclear attack? Well you may want to dust off those emergency plans and make sure you’re fully stocked with plenty of diapers and Doritos cause it looks like the Russkies have leapfrogged us again, dammit, and developed the next generation of doomsday weapons . . .

The Chicken Littles at dailymail.co.uk have all the frightening details:

Mind-bending ‘psychotronic’ guns that can effectively turn people into zombies have been given the go-ahead by Russian president Vladimir Putin.

The futuristic weapons – which will attack the central nervous system of their victims – are being developed by the country’s scientists.

They could be used against Russia’s enemies and, perhaps, its own dissidents by the end of the decade.

Oh, the humanity! Is there no limit to the depravity of Evil Empire 2.0′s mad geniuses? It sounds like they’ve managed to come up with some kind of horrible death ray or something, too.

High doses of microwaves can damage the functioning of internal organs, control behaviour or even drive victims to suicide. Anatoly Tsyganok, head of the Military Forecasting Centre in Moscow, said: ‘This is a highly serious weapon.

‘When it was used for dispersing a crowd and it was focused on a man, his body temperature went up immediately as if he was thrown into a hot frying pan. Still, we know very little about this weapon and even special forces guys can hardly cope with it.’

Even Russia’s Maximum Leader, Vlad the Irradiator, is getting in on the act, openly touting his country’s dominance in the development of these new and horrifying weapons.

Sources in Moscow say Mr Putin has described the guns, which use electromagnetic radiation like that found in microwave ovens, as ‘entirely new instruments for achieving political and strategic goals’.

Mr Putin added: ‘Such high-tech weapons systems will be comparable in effect to nuclear weapons, but will be more acceptable in terms of political and military ideology.’

Of course, we’re probably not totally outgunned. Heck, we’ve had weapons that attack the central nervous system for decades. They’re commonly known as Tasers.

As for the microwave rays, the late Orville Redenbacher long ago managed to harness their awesome power and used it to amass an untold fortune.

Still, Americans won’t sleep quite as well tonight knowing the red menace is once again on the march. If the prospect of four more years wasn’t already enough to clear the shelves of guns and ammo, this ought to do it.

[h/t Tyler Kee]