I loved the Batman TV show as a kid. Years later, I heard talk that the Adam West vehicle was “camp.” When the series finally made it onto [the now defunct] TV-Land channel I had to check it out. “Batman, join me,” a leather-clad Catwoman purred into the PA as spiked walls threatened to skewer the Caped Crusader. “Together we can rule Gotham City.” Batman didn’t skip a beat. “But what about Robin?” ROBIN? What about Robin? What are you . . . oh yeah. Got it. Now I’m not saying that Top Shot is gay . . .
In fact, I wish Top Shot was gay. If the History Channel shooting show had genuine homoerotic undertones at least it would have some balls. As it currently stands, Top Shot is to testosterone what boxed red wine is to Chateauneuf Du Pape. And now the only contestant to have anything even remotely resembling sex appeal has left the program.
Michelle Viscusi’s departure had something to do with the fact that she’s a Munchkin. A perfectly formed Munchkin, but a member of the Lollipop Guild nonetheless. I’m not sure how many Tom Cruise-sized women could fire a 12-gauge shotgun more than, say, twenty times in a row. But Michelle must’ve pulled the bang switch on three Benelli variants on at least 100 separate occasions in a 24-hour period.
One can only imagine the bruises bedeviling her shooting shoulder.
Unfortunately. If only the producers had let Michelle go for the Flashdance look instead of an androgynous Team Boredom T-shirt and, gasp, ripped jeans. Then Ms. Viscusi could have pulled her shirt down over her black and blue flesh and cried “You don’t understand! I coulda had class! I coulda been a contenda!”
Instead, Top Shot played Puttin’ on the Ditz, peppering us with Viscusi sound bytes that made Cher Horowitz seem like a Mensa grad. Nurturing his three-day beard, Colby bid Michelle adieu. After Dylan and Michelle performed a Caucasian haka, Top Shot‘s first-ever babe walked off into the sunset (underneath the power lines), taking the show’s ratings with her.
My curiosity was well and truly piqued by Littlejohn’s episode-concluding statement that “some things happened on the blue team that needed to happen.” Was the Stay Pufft Man glad to see Michelle go ’cause Dylan and Michelle had done the horizontal mambo? Was Littlejohn glad that the blue pill was back to manly men doing manly things?
In any case, episode three was suffused with the usual reality show high school archetype thing.
Sparring siblings Dylan and William had an alpha dog pissing contest. Greg Littlejohn’s lower lip quivered at the prospect of breaking-up his pseudo family with an elimination challenge (that sounds gross). Father figure Kyle Sumpter figured that he’d whip those whippersnappers into shape (SHAPE IT UP!). Terry Vaughan tried to convince us he wasn’t Australian. And Colby Donaldson reaffirmed his love of S & M (Standing and Modeling).
Colby’s new prison tat provided some much-needed mystery and suspense. One can hardly downplay its significance; flashing it at the camera provided several seconds of screen time where Colby’s hands weren’t on his hips. I can’t read the damn thing. A less charitable man than I might suggest that Colby’s tat was a botched/abandoned attempt to inscribe the word VAPID on his arm while he slept. Or maybe even while he was awake.
The real star of tonight’s episode: the slow motion camera. Not even the editor’s juvenile innuendos—shotgun expert to Michelle: “get behind it shove it really hard”—could detract from the spectacular shots of ammo emerging from the Benellis to obliterate clay pigeons and rotate steel targets.
So we’re left with a half-empty (full?) mag of shooters with less personality than a Hellman’s mayonnaise sandwich. On Wonder Bread. The tally includes one woman who violated the Farago family rule about wearing horizontal stripes. None of the remaining contestants could make it onto the USA Network (characters welcome). They leave me longing for the inevitable way forward: Celebrity Top Shot.
Can’t wait. Celebrity Top Shot would provide some genuine snark. Imagine Larry the Cable Guy, TTAG’s Ralph and Kate Upton on the same team. Why not? Do we really care if any of the current crop of contestants will win? Top Shot is edited so heavily they could make it look like a trained monkey scooped the honors.
Never mind. We’ll keep track of the humorless sexless diva drama on your behalf. See you next week. Same bat time. Same bat channel.