Are you losing sleep because you want to feel safe and secure at night but that ______________ [fill in name of bulky pistol here] you keep under your pillow makes it hard to get comfy? Are you worried that one night you might forget to set the safety and, with all your tossing and turning, it’ll fire all by itself (as apparently some guns are wont to do)? Or do you have so much junk in your nightstand drawer – in addition to your pistol – that you’ve almost confronted the mysterious noise downstairs while clutching a box of condoms? Cheer up, Bucko! Help is on its way in the form of David L. Bonk’s “Bedside Pistol Supporting Device.”
Bonk (yes that’s his real name) has filed US Patent Application 13/176997 for a device he describes as “A pistol supporting device having a base and a support post… shaped to be disposed between a mattress and a box spring…” Basically it’s a board with a carbon fiber rod sticking up from one end, canted from the perpendicular. The idea is that you slide the board between your mattress and box springs, then stick your pistol’s barrel over the rod. Once mounted there, the firearm is “oriented to align a grip of the pistol with a palm of a prone user.”
There are two versions – one with the rod canted towards the headboard and one canted towards the foot of the bed – so the pistol can be positioned to fall readily to hand depending on whether you’re a back sleeper or a stomach sleeper. If you’re like me and toss and turn a lot at night you’ll probably need one of each to hold two pistols so no matter how you’re laying you be ready for action with either hand.
But the patent application doesn’t answer questions enquiring minds want to know. Like how hard is it to get to the pistols with several layers of covers draped over (or twisted around) you and them? Or what happens if, in the excitement of the moment, you release the safety and accidently fire the gun before it’s clear of the carbon fiber post? (C’mon… admit it…you’ve had a problem with misfiring when you’re excited in bed for years, haven’t you?)
Of course, if you use a shotgun for home protection, you’ll have a hard time balancing it on the short peg so you’ll have to find another solution for keeping your firearm handy.
If you’re like me and have no life – in the bedroom or otherwise – you can click here to download a copy of the patent application, with its fifteen pages of diagrams showing the device along with five pages of turgid patentspeak. Then you can lose sleep wondering why you didn’t think of it first.