I was puffing on a Rocky Patel Decade contemplating the best-looking Jewish girl in the world when my ex-Navy compadre proposed an interesting theory. “What if Fast and Furious is just stage one?” he asked, peering over his Woodford Reserve. “Stage one of what?” I enquired. “War with Mexico,” he replied. I nodded my head, pretending to know WTF he was talking about, trying to focus on something, anything other than the startling beauty smoking a significant cigar in front of me. “Hear me out . . . “

“Fast and Furious armed the Sinaloas against Los Zetas, right?” ex-Navy asked in his usual rhetorical style.

“Roger that,” I replied, as I do on a regular basis. “We also helped them smuggle drugs across the border and launder billions.”

Ex-Navy waved his hand impatiently, as if the ATF’s gun-running ops were of no more consequence than a local school board meeting.

“We’re supporting the Sinaloa drug cartel and the Mexican military with guns, grenades against Los Zetas,” he said. “Why?”

“To prevent a coup by the Zetas?”

“Because . . . ?”

I didn’t see that one coming. Or cigar babe depart. Clearly, my curiosity had been piqued.

“We don’t want a dictatorship on our southern border?” I suggested, wondering when the object of my admiration would finally get around to setting-up the guns ‘n cigars evening. “And we like Mexican oil. And cheap labor. We don’t want to rock that boat.”

“Meanwhile . . .”

“Everybody’s getting shot to shit. No democracy. No gun rights. Slaughter. Chaos.”

“So what do we do?” ex-Navy asked, smiling at the vestiges of amber liquid lingering at the bottom of his glass. “We encourage the Mexican military to make allies with their old pals in Los Zetas and take over the country.”

“Say what?” I said, channeling my inner Shaggy (Life is Life).

“Think about it,” ex-Navy instructed, signaling the waitress as if she was on a nearby supply ship. “Mexico has a military coup. CNN shows hundreds of thousands of refugees crossing our border fleeing the junta. American business interests are threatened. Our oil supply is threatened.”

“By a coup we encouraged.”

“The situation is untenable,” ex-Navy said, pausing to roll the bourbon around his glass. “Republicans see hordes of Mexican invaders. Democrats see a humanitarian crisis. The Mexican government in exile asks us to intervene.”

“As in invade.”

“Restore democracy,” he corrected. “Reintroduce the rule of law, including your precious gun rights. Save the Mexicans from the evil drug cartels. Secure our border. Develop the country. Protect our—their oil. Depose the fascist generals.”

“Win – win.”

“It’d be a hell of a lot easier than Afghanistan. And more profitable. Did I say anything about the cartels’ connection to Iran and terrorists groups in the Middle East? We’ve got to play that up too.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I demurred. “But c’mon. Really? The ATF arms the Sinaloas as part of a conspiracy to take over the entire country?”

“We do this stuff all the time. Do you seriously think we’re the only ones sitting around discussing these things?” he asked.

“Just in time for the elections.”

“Timing is everything,” ex-Navy concluded, tipping a small measure of H2O into his drink, eyeing the return of cigar girl with an arched eyebrow.

“Roger that,” I replied.

43 Responses to ATF Death Watch 133: Tin Hat Time

      • Alright, DAMNIT. It’s time for The Truth about Cigars. RP does make nice smooth cigars, and, presuming the internet is your friend you might be able to get some Tatuaje’s. Make the site happen Farago, it is your duty.

        • If it happens make sure to mention it here so I can follow. I know jack and shut about cigars but want to know more.

        • Me too. I’ve tried a few from the local specialty store that I’ve liked but I don’t know a thing about what variables make them taste differently. So far, my favorite is the Joya de Nicaragua which the (less than enthusiastic) clerk says is fairly heavy.

          Any suggestions on what to try next and where to learn more?

  1. I like a good conspiracy theory just as much as the next guy. Sometimes, it’s like an intense detective story where everything is being unveiled one piece at a time, other times, it’s like a soap opera that’s just a never ending tale of twists and turns. I don’t think F&F was a conspiracy to make war with mexico. I think the only purpose of operation F&F was to build the number of traceable firearms back to FFLs. If you want a conspiracy to arm mexico, let’s look at the “loss” and “leakage” from legal commercial sales to MX (could be the reason those sales numbers aren’t available for the past couple of years). You can also add a more nefarious reason for the arming of the cartels and that would be border control. Think about it, U.S. arms cartels, who kill civilians, no more civilians to cross the border. Cartel and military are the only ones left, the kill of each other, population of MX is reduced by 75% so U.S. moves the border south by a couple of hundred miles and reduces the width of the border. U.S. get’s 100% of a big river and picks up some prime cactus growing land to boot.

  2. “contemplating the best-looking Jewish girl in the history of the world ever”

    Get to the juicy part. What happened?

    • Discretion is the better part of valor. In other words, nothing. Yet. (Of course, writing that reduces my chances considerably. My muse = a cruel bitch.)

      • You wrote the word “Yet”. We do expect weekly updates on your progress. Pictures would be nice too and preferably with her running around the beach in her bikini. If anything juicy does happen be sure to discreetly record her giving you consent so you don’t get into trouble later. We live in a funny world that is a mix of fun and danger.

        • 🙂 (good laugh here.) Release forms are actually half-joked about on some of the Men’s Movement sites. It’s funny that most of those men (mra) are more concerned about the anti-male laws, discrimination, and bigotry in western societies and less about gun ownership. Then I go visit the pro-gun community and it’s the other way around. Funny world.

          On a serious note, the USG CDC now considers and tabulates it that even if a happily married husband and wife have intercourse — when the women is drunk and therefore unable to give consent — it is now a rape of the woman. Crazy but true. The laws defining rape over the past thirty years are becoming ever more expansive and creative.

          I won’t bore you further with more stories here yet if you have a few minutes go to http://falserapesociety.blogspot.com/

    • Posting a description like that without supporting documentation undermines your credibility, and on the internet, your credibility is everything.

      • Homer never physically described Helen of Troy. He left the listeners to fill in their own ideas of what the most beautiful woman in the world looked like. His epic, the Trojan War, is still around today.

  3. It’s a great plan, except we couldn’t win a second Mexican War any more than we could win the first Afghanistan War or second Iraq War.

    • Who is “we” and what did we “win”? A more stable and prosperous Middle East? Cheap oil? Desperately needed credibility on the world stage?

        • We killed a shit ton of idiots who were willing to fight us. I still hold that it was better to take the fight to them than to let them bring the fight to us.

          No I wasn’t being sarcastic and yes I’m long winded. Side effect of being a bored college student.

        • Take the fight to you? lol. Iraq had no capability of attacking America. No nukes, no ICBMs, no stealth bombers…nothing.

        • UBL didn’t either. He used 747’s. Much cheaper for him.

          And since 9-11 any saudi that’s wanted to kill American’s has been able to pick up an AK and hitchhike a ride to Iraq or afghanistan. How many successful terrorist attacks have occurred inside the US since? Only one that comes to mind was the ft. hood shooter.

        • So we needed to invade a secular Iraqi regime to effectively fight the jihadists that Saddam forbade from entering his country?

        • I think the last people who brought the fight to us was the Students For A Democratic Society. So fcuking awesome, blowing the statue honoring the policemen killed in the Haymarket riots, not once but twice! The CPD kept on rebuilding it, and eventually posted cops in front of it 24/7 until they gave up and moved it to the courtyard of their headquarters.
          http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/93/Film_poster.gif

      • Ask Country Joe McDonald, he might tell you.
        Maybe we made the world safe for Dick Cheney and Haliburton?
        I have heard we made the world safe for Shiite Islam.

  4. Personally I’ve loved the idea of sending the Marines in the clean out mexico for some time now. Usually I start said scenario with the US dropping all support for the mexican government declaring it “too corrupt to deal with” and then watching “in shock and horror” as the cartels stage their coup, cuing our “peacemaking” intervention.

    And an invasion of mexico would be a hell of a lot easier than iraq and afghanistan. First off, mexico has enough well developed infrastructure and is close enough to us that the logistical effort would be very simple. Unlike Afghanistan where any army throughout history has had difficulty supplying large numbers of troops. In mexico, we could flood the country with SOCOM, the Marines, Army, National guard, border patrol, ATF, DHS, FBI, and the like. Also, in Mexico we do have a decent bit of intel on who’s who and we would have a much easier time developing even better intel sources, far more Americans speak spanish than arabic. We also have just come off a decade of small war expertise, our military wouldn’t be re-learning it from scratch like in Iraq.

    But there would be problems, like making sure that all the cartel members that we capture don’t make it back out onto the streets when we leave. That would be messy. Stage a prison revolt perhaps? And insuring that the reformed Mexican military is capable of securing their southern border from south american drug and cartel influences.

    • Better idea. Time-travel back to 1848 and advise American generals to push Mexico past what is now the Panama canal. Next repatriate the slaves and avoid the War Between the States. After that implement jus sanguinis citizenship. Does this sound radical, implausible, or just silly? Of course it does. It would be easier to invent a time-machine than it would to raise Mexico up to America’s rapidly decreasing standards.

      • I never said anything about raising up Mexico’s standards for anything else other than their southern border security.
        I’d be perfectly happy with just killing cartel members.

        But yes, yes it would be.

  5. The Mexican government has encouraged illegal migration into the USA for many years. Most of these illegals have been young, unemployed males – who constitute the traditional revolutionary class in Mexico. Mexico has a tradition of revolutions, up through the early 1900s. It is very likely that the Mexican government oligarchy has a deliberate policy to export these potential revolutionaries to the USA, to keep them from fomenting unrest in Mexico.

    As an added benefit, the young male expatriates have sent home a fair percentage of their US wages to their families in Mexico – a source of income to the poorer families that is very significant, and also helps dampen the revolutionary fervour. Remittances from Mexicans living and working in the USA have been the second or third highest source of foreign revenue into Mexico, right behind the money from oil and illegal drugs exported to the USA.

    With the collapse of the US housing and construction industry in 2008 to the present, a LARGE number of those young Mexican men are returning home – without jobs, without money, and probably without hope. the drug cartels are most likely hiring a few of them, but not in the millions that they are returning.

    Do you suppose this makes the Mexican oligarchy nervous? I think Robert’s ex-Navy friend has hit on a reasonably possible scenario. It also helps explain the apparent idiocy behind the ATF’s F&F. Admittedly, the most usual correct explanation for idiocy is that the perpetrators are idiots.

  6. While I suspect F&F was a conspiracy to roll back the Zetas, and was run without the knowledge or consent of the Mexican government, I think this theory is pushing the conspiracy too far.

    -Why would the Zetas want to take over the country? They can buy, intimidate or silence anyone in the government who threatens their business as it is. Unless the Mexican government, at all levels, everywhere, magically starts to function, the Zetas will support the status quo.

    -If the generals remove the civilian government, they’ve got to deal with running the country. Even with Mexico’s low level of services, this is a PITA.

    -In the likely event the coup goes south, anyone in the ruling junta will be arrested on the spot upon entering the US, Canada or Europe.

    -I can’t see any evidence that the cartels are trying overthrow the civilian government. Co-opt it, eliminate those who get in its way or side with a rival cartel, sure.

    -Removing the civilian government removes the thin veneer that hides the fact that Mexico is a failed state. With out this veneer, the US could legitimately intervene. Which the generals and the cartels both know.

    -Mexicans are extremely touchy about their sovereignty. Even in case of a coup, I think they would prefer to fix it themselves.

    -Working with the Sinolans means working with a bunch of truly evil scum. Murdering, raping, burning, torturing scum. Scum with an agenda other than ‘letting democracy bloom’ in Mexico. Even the clowns running America can figure this one out.

    -In the event of a coup, we’d be sending in the military, who wouldn’t want or need to work said scum.

  7. -Removing the civilian government removes the thin veneer that hides the fact that Mexico is a failed state.
    That really is the heart of the matter.

  8. none of this makes sense to me. we conquered Iraq and then gave the civilian government the oil there. Their corrupt government loots the oil money while we spend a trillion of our (borrowed from china) money to rebuild the country.If we wanted oil, why didn’t “we ” keep the Iraqi oil.besides , who really believes out government does anything real well. They could no more control Mexico than the Mexican government can. crap, the Mexican drug cartels control huge swaths of federal land in our country now! If we can’t control our own country, what chance do we have of controlling Mexico. http://www.thesocialcontract.com/artman2/publish/tsc_21_4/tsc_21_4_walsh.shtmlhttp://

    http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/06/18/federal-lands-arizona-travel-warnings-place

    /http://www.denverpost.com/nationworld/ci_10698914the Mexicans would not take this sitting down, they would fight. you want to talk about potential terrorists, there are almost as many Mexican nationals here in the us(20-30 million?) as there are iraqi’s in iraq (29 million in 2010) . the population of Mexico is 112 million and the land is much larger and harder to operate in than iraq. desert and mountains. our country is seriously close to real economic SHTF. Cities, states, county’s, and school districts running growing budget deficits. a federal budget deficit of trillions every Year. add it all up.

    • Jewish as in she’s a Jew. I know this because we schmoozed previously. Now if someone could tell her that I am the nice Jewish boy her mother wanted her to find. Hell, I’d get a doctorate if that helped matters. Meanwhile, I’ll keep you posted on the guns ‘n cigars thing. We may go national with that.

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