Courtesy of mygunculture.com, we offer a handy dandy anti-gun terminology guide as a public service and a follow-on to James Felix’s earlier yeoman efforts. If we crowd source this enough, we’ll have something to interest legit publishers soon. Make the jump for your morning lulz.

Anti-Gun Terminology Quick Reference Guide
Common Sense Gun Laws Total disarmament followed by spaying or neutering as appropriate. More information on common sense gun laws here.
Law Abiding Citizens Satan and his minions. If you’re reading this, you’re a minion. Start acting the part will you?
The Police chief is opposed to this pro-gun legislation It’s re-election time and he or she has not managed to reduce crime on their watch. A new scapegoat is desperately needed and the next Blame Someone Else Dayis not until January 13, 2012.
Assault weapons All guns, regardless of form factor or function. Air guns, toy guns, and squirt guns are not necessarily excluded from this classification.
Assault Weapon Ban Complete disarmament followed by an encore happy-fun neutering festival. See Common sense gun laws above.
Handgun Glock
Second Amendment That pesky 200 year old slice of tree bark that prevents formation of a progressive dictatorship that will be good for us. Really, it will.
Gun Crime / Gun Violence If you’re going to get mugged, assaulted, raped, or murdered, make sure that your attacker is using a gun. If they assault, rape, or kill you with some other implement than a gun, it doesn’t count and your status as a victim is greatly diminished. You will definitely not be invited to Victim Recovery Programs and other fun and exciting social events.
Gun Lobby Usually refers to the main entrance of Cabelas and other large outdoor retailers. According to many of our pusillanimous politicians, gun lobbies are evil. Better use the back door next time you visit a gun store.
National Rifle Association The ultimate manifestation of guilt by ‘association.’
Campus Concealed Weapons / Guns on Campus A legislative movement that will force underage college students to wantonly fire assault weapons at cute baby squirrels while performing keg stands.
Gun Show Loophole A mystical portal located in the netherlands of Narnia.
Victim Any person who sees a pistol, rifle, or squirt gun in the hands of anyone other than a duly authorized United Nations World Peace Officer.

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8 Responses to Learning the Lingo: Translating “Common Sense” Gun Terms

  1. None of my guns have a lobby. Chamber sure but I guess you need something really serious to fit a lobby in there.

  2. I’m shocked and maybe even offended that “assault clips” was not included on the list.

    A clip that is capable of assaulting and killing a human on its own should definitely be included.

  3. “The gun went off.” – All guns are capable of spontaneous self-animation.

    “Exploding bullets” – Any bullet that’s not made from marshmallow.

    “Automatic weapon” – Glock

    “Machine pistol” – Glock

    “Armed self-defense” – Vigilantism

    “Criminal that’s been shot” – Victim

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