Question of the Day: How Do You Kill A Damn Dirty Ape?

In the finale of The Rise of the Planet of the Apes, apes race across the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge. They’re making a run for the relative sanctuary of another Planet of the Apes movies. I mean, the California Redwoods. The California Highway Patrol waits for the newly evolved simians at a road block. Most of the cops are equipped with ARs—except for the poor CHiP [close but no relations to a chimp] pointing his little handgun. Thanks to a sympathetic scientist, these apes aren’t dumb. They go all Donkey Kong, scaling the bridge to attack from above. The cops open fire on anything relatively hairy, mistaking suppressing fire for targeted kills . . .

In one epic scene, a large gorilla swings through the air towards a hovering helicopter. With the prowless of a skilled marksman, the pilot/cop/ shooter/best top shot ever takes aim on this crazy ape, emptying his entire magazine into the beast’s chest. Give the primate credit: he completes the mission. The ape tears the chopper asunder, which spirals into the drink.

In the words of the late Roy Scheider of Jaws fame, “He should have gotten a bigger boat.” Or, in this case, a bigger gun. (And you were wondering why anyone would want to buy a .50 caliber classic Desert Eagle.) Maybe the chopper pilot could have maintained stand off distance from the bridge. Or called in an airstrike and blown up the bridge before the apes could cross.

Yes, it’s another summer blockbuster where one side of an armed confrontation has a huge technological advantage—and loses anyway. [Click here for RF’s analysis of Cowboys & Aliens]. I’m sick of this Ewok-i-zation of cross-species conflict. So our QOTD is this: what should the police (hello? military?) have done to stop the apes? And can you provide any historical examples of a technologically inferior people/species defeating gun-wielding adversaries?

comments

  1. avatar Neil says:

    Yes,
    Vietnam
    Afghanistan
    Just to name two.

    1. avatar ihatetrees says:

      Vietnam and Afghanistan did NOT militarily defeat the US and USSR respectively. Political calculation caused both the US and USSR to cut and run.

      1. avatar IndyEric says:

        You are correct. It was a lack of political will and intestinal fortitude.

      2. avatar James Felix says:

        Plus they weren’t all that techologically inferior. They were using assault rifles and RPGs, just like the people they were fighting against. I think what Chris is asking is have, for example, bows & arrows ever defeated guns.

  2. avatar RAN says:

    Let’s see the police could have distracted the apes with bananas? In regards to a technologically inferior people defeating gun wielding adversaries I was going to be cute and say “Little Big Horn”, but I think the Native Americans had rifles at that point, perhaps not as many, and they had overwhelming numbers. I’m not sure on the particulars of the battles, and they ultimately lost the war. But you are correct, by and large no guerilla forces have beaten a technologically superior foe, unless that foe no longer had the will to fight or the guerilla force was backed by another nation state.

    1. avatar Robert Farago says:

      According to my Wikipedia research for the last episode of Top Shot, the Indians had [superior] Winchester 1873 lever guns to Custer’s breech loading Springfield 1873s.

      1. avatar RAN says:

        It figures. Leave it to the gub’mint to not provide their troops with the latest and greatest.

  3. avatar BLAMMO says:

    … The cops open fire on anything relatively hairy, …

    Hippies?

    And can you provide any historical examples of a technologically inferior people/species defeating gun-wielding adversaries?

    Large, dangerous animals have bigger muscles, bigger claws and bigger teeth. However, I have the bigger brain. The bigger brain wins. But only if you use it. I must say, I get some satisfaction when I see a bullfighter mauled by a bull. Sometimes, against all odds, an underdog, that has virtually no chance, prevails.

    1. avatar Ralph says:

      “I get some satisfaction when I see a bullfighter mauled by a bull.”

      +1

      And that’s no bull.

      1. avatar Patrick B. says:

        Noble.

  4. avatar Ben Eli says:

    I’m fairly certain it would have been pretty easy to call in air support for this type of thing. You can’t even glide a hand-glider over an urban area without to F-16 to escort you out. Call in a few A-10’s, a few Apaches to line the sides of the Golden Gate, and as those damn dirty apes are busy getting holes put in them like its their job, position three Bradley’s at each end and lob HE rounds. All the while grant a temporary hunting season to all Americans to get any survivors that may be chilling in the Bay Area.

  5. avatar michael says:

    Good grief! Must be Hollywood. What rifle was the cop using? An entire magazine of just about anything this side of a .22 would certainly drop an ape. And enough of them would probably work. Hell, even Kong was taken down by a few bi-planes sporting synchronized Browning 30s, and Lewis 303s.

  6. avatar Gossven says:

    “I’m sick of this Wookie-i-zation of cross-species conflict.”

    Wouldn’t it be the ewokization of cross-species conflict? The Wookies have bowcasters and other energy based ranged weapons, the ewoks had stone age era technology.

    1. avatar Robert Farago says:

      D’oh! My bad. Text amended.

    2. avatar Van says:

      Nerd! Just kidding.

      1. avatar Gossven says:

        Guilty as charged 🙂

  7. avatar Leo says:

    The Mexican cartels defeating the ATF

    The cops should have call in some military support in the form of helicopters with gatling guns and presto.

    1. avatar Ralph says:

      “The Mexican cartels defeating the ATF”

      Yes, but the ATF generously shared it’s technology. And thousands of guns.

      “The cops should have call in some military support in the form of helicopters with gatling guns and presto.”

      They were all out of presto. How about using a whole bunch of “voila?”

  8. avatar Silver says:

    The apes just should’ve made sad faces at the cameras and said they were oppressed. That’s how you defeat a technologically superior enemy, provided the media and administration are progressive. Would give them free reign to do whatever they want.

    1. avatar Ralph says:

      It would also help if the apes got someone hot to be their spokesperson. Y’know, like a young Jane Fonda. I mean, there she was, lovin’ on North Vietnam and hatin’ on the USA, and all I was thinking about was that see-through plastic top she wore in “Barbarella.”

  9. avatar Wes S says:

    Regarding the scene with the ape jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge at a hovering helicopter: I realize this is Hollywood, but why wouldn’t the pilot just pull the helo up or back the moment he saw the ape jumping, leaving the ape to do the Wile E. Coyote air-sprint thing, grabbing futilely at air, before plunging into the drink?

    Sorry, but I think I’ll wait for this one to come out on video, if I bother to watch it at all. “Apes” is a film franchise that should have stayed dead anyway…

    1. avatar Ralph says:

      A chimp with Napoleonic military skills didn’t set off the old bullshit-o-meter, but poor flying skills rang the bell? Egad, Wes S, Hollywood has won.

      We are all doomed.

  10. avatar ihatetrees says:

    Having served in an armored division, I find that apocalyptic movies and shows (hello “The Walking Dead”) have flat-earth grade science regarding western police and military abilities. IIRC, a modern artillery or rocket strike can put at least one air-burst fragment in every 2’x2′ square in a football field size area. Without overhead cover or body armor, any large animal will be (at least) wounded if caught in such a barrage.

    I used to think this ignorance was due to wacko-left, military hating tendencies among Hollywood writers. While that’s no doubt true, I now thing the market is a major factor. Plot and feasibility don’t sell. They have been replaced by fantasy and marketing (to potential video game buyers).

    Sidebar: From a train wreck perspective, I’ll tune to the next season of TWD since they canned last season’s writers. Maybe they can salvage reason and plot logic.

    1. avatar Gossven says:

      Yeah but with Frank Darabont gone I’m a little worried about how the show is going to turn out. So far the only reason I’m still watching is because the pilot was just so damn good.

      1. avatar ihatetrees says:

        So far the only reason I’m still watching is because the pilot was just so damn good.

        Granted, it started strong. Quibbles: Fast zombies (like those of 28 Days Later) and a more lethal disease vector would have made societal collapse more credible.

        The season finale was tough for me. Yes, government is poorly run. But CDC scientific types would have had a better disaster plan, more than one bio-geek would have stuck around, and they would NOT have been dependent on 55 gallon drums for emergency power.
        And with all that military hardware laying about, NO ONE in the group thought to pick up some M4’s and ammo?!? WTF?

        Darabont’s exit is troubling. My fear is that the series will degenerate into a feeling’s based shipper toilet.

        1. avatar Gossven says:

          “And with all that military hardware laying about, NO ONE in the group thought to pick up some M4′s and ammo?!? WTF?”

          Yeah that was one thing that always drove me crazy about the show. Also if I found myself stuck in a tank, surrounded by zombies, you can bet your sweet ass I’m going to try and learn how to drive a tank on the fly.

        2. avatar Derek says:

          +100,000
          If the rest of the pilot hadn’t been so stinkin cool and I wasn’t such a geek for the zombe genre there’s no way I would’ve watched the rest of the show. I mean, the guy didn’t even try. Some mysterious voice on a radio told him to leave his relative safety and he did. The dude got out of his TANK to juke and jive his way through a crowd of zombies.

        3. avatar Walrusleather says:

          If you read the Graphic novel,, er comic book the AMC version has screwed it all to hell. the book kicks the sorry attempt at television in the teeth.

  11. avatar IndyEric says:

    Rome, meet Hannibal.

    1. avatar zak b says:

      Hannibal’s troops were far more experienced than the Roman soldiers they were facing, and as well, if not better equipped. He brought elephants to the fight after all.

      1. avatar David says:

        Hannibal’s troops had also crushed two previous Roman armies. They were using a large amount of Roman arms and armor. After crossing the Alps, he probably only had a few elephants left though. They do not figure prominently in the battles of Trebia, Lake Trasimene or Cannae. In terms of technology, they were equal. In terms of military aptitude, Hannibal was unbeatable in an equal fight.

  12. avatar zak b says:

    The Zulus are the classic example of significantly inferior technology being used to achieve victory against technologically superior foes. Zulu tribesmen wielding spears were able to achieve a few victories over the British Army before their eventual demise.

    1. avatar Silver says:

      They also had massive numbers, and I wouldn’t call muskets vast superiority. Not on the scale of, say, guided missiles against chest-pounding apes.

      1. avatar David says:

        The Brit’s were armed with Martini-Henry breech loaders. Much more accurate and firing much faster than muskets. Ignorance of the Zulu’s abilities is what lead to Isandlwana.

  13. avatar Roy Hilll says:

    zak b beat me to it.

    The Zulus ultimately lost the war, but I think a lot of Englishmen present at Isandlwana might have a few interesting comments to make about technological differences.

    One could even argue that the American Revolutionaries were a bit behind the technology and armament department, not having a navy and all.

    Yes, Pennsylvania rifle was more advanced than the Brown Bess musket, but not for the type of warfare the Brown Bess excelled in….volley fire from massed ranks followed up with bayonet charges.

    I think the Afghans also defeated some little outfit called the USSR, again by outlasting their will to fight.

    1. avatar Doug says:

      Yeah, but this isn’t about a bunch of apes outlasting the humans, it’s about a bunch of apes straight-up beating the extraordinarily well-armed humans.

  14. avatar JOE MATAFOME says:

    S&W 500!!! One shot one kill everytime (and if you’re lucky you can take out two or three more of the dirty apes after the first shot goes clear throught the first monkey).

  15. avatar jlottmc says:

    All jokes aside, the City of Dall-ass, more specifically their police force, has gone up against a gorilla that would harm humans. I have talked to the some of the officers involved, and they found that the .357Sig’s were the pistols that put it down (Dallas is restricted to 9mm or .357Sig). The 9mm’s didn’t do much to penetrate the pectoral area muscles, but the .357Sigs did. They have also had problems against windshields with 9mm. So from a ballistics standpoint, I would use no less than a .357Sig, and some well aimed shots. A rifle say .308 from about three hundred yards sounds like a mighty fine idea. Just sayin’

    1. avatar Totenglocke says:

      I knew I bought my Mosin Nagant’s for a reason!

  16. avatar Jusuchin (Military Otaku) says:

    I believe everyone has said it already. I’m not wasting my time to watch a remake of a film series I don’t particularly like. I mean, I’ll go catch Cowboys and Aliens mainly because Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford? Hell yeah. But Planets had proven to be slightly ‘meh’.

    That said.

    PETA! You durned fools, look what you’ve done!

    1. avatar Gossven says:

      Rise of the POTA isn’t a remake, its a prequel. It also pretty good, whether you’re a fan of the originals or not.

  17. avatar justin says:

    Stage 1: Drop the Golden Gate bridge and maintain a perimeter clear killzones around SF.
    Stage 2: Wait for gunships from Camp Pendleton.

  18. avatar Noodles says:

    I think that the First Boer War was won by the technologically disadvantaged. I think.

    1. avatar David says:

      The Boers had Mausers. Better rifle than the Brit’s were using at that time(Lee-Metford or early Lee-Enfield).

      The Brits won through weight of numbers and the whole concentration camp thing.

  19. I have a friend that honestly believed, and tried to tell me that he could win in hand to hand combat with a Chimpanzee. The conversation was in reference to the story of the lady who had her face ripped off by her neighbor’s Chimp.
    To this day we give him hell; lets be honest they are born and swing from trees the same day. Our babies can’t even walk or crawl at birth….
    So, I surrender my protection to my friend Nick, for a second or two. After that, Ma Deuce!

  20. avatar Totenglocke says:

    What should they have done? Nuke it from orbit – it’s the only way to be sure. =D I mean really, it’s California – it’s not like we’d be losing anything valuable if it was nuked.

    1. avatar Gossven says:

      The bacon bacon truck is in San Francisco, and I don’t know that I want to live in a world without the bacon bacon truck.

  21. avatar JC says:

    The Gurkha’s vs the Brits…

  22. avatar thedemonapostle says:

    when was the last time anyone on this site went to san francisco? its a liberal hippy mecca where even saying the word “gun” can get you into trouble. i was looking for a squirt gun at a store and was the clerk asking where they were. later a couple of cops came up to me and questioned me for it. it turned out that someone heard the word “gun” and called the cops. during the 20 years of living in central california, san joaquin valley, this still is the fastest any law enforcement officer has shown up, coming home to 3 armed (2 baseball bats and a shotgun) robbers and calling the police comes in second at just over 90 minutes.
    my point is that the police probably didnt want to lose their jobs or go to jail for doing their jobs. killing crazed super intelligent monkeys and their kin would save the world, but in the aftermath the people of san francisco would probably have the officers jailed for shooting unarmed assailants, regardless of the fact that these unarmed assailants were in the middle of a killing rampage.
    also every hollywood’ed movie ive ever seen, depicted that you could shoot a person with a high caliber firearm and the recipient would only be slightly wounded. again even if they did shoot those damn dirty apes, chances are the hollywood physics would dictate that the bullets would be about as deadly as a “free love hippy.”

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