In the lively discussion below about the appropriate force to use if confronted by a taser-wielding BG, DeadCenter56 [no, that’s not him in the video above] offered a, er, vivid account of what a taseree can expect…

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…..

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @#$%^&*!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”

Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-B***H.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles. I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.

 

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9 Responses to Don’t Tase Yourself, Bro

  1. Why is it when we men do something like this that either a woman or alcohol is somehow in the mix? Or both? I was 14 when my pup, Butch, got loose from the chain running to the unfinished chain link fence. A storm was beginning as I ran out, retrieved Butch in one hand and had the chain in the other. Luckily I had tennis shoes on, as the lightning hit the fence and ran into me. A few seconds later I gasped for air and started breathing again. Butch’s hair all stood on end, and the girl I was trying to impress with my bravado was screaming. I walked it off, but it wasn’t worth it.

  2. I’m pretty sure this has been posted elsewhere many times. I’ve read this exact story somewhere, though it is just as funny as the first time I read it.

  3. We do need to clarify. A stun gun is what this guy uses in the video. It only works by direct contact. A Taser is the brand name of the device that fires from cartridges with very thin wire and two small needles with a backwards barb to keep it stuck into your skin or clothing. The cartridge can be removed and the Taser can be used as a stun gun. The advantage, obviously, of the Taser is that you can fire at a distance into the subject. They also run about $1000, and use a programmed pulse system of shock that interferes with the signals running from the brain to your muscles. And it hurts like hell. The Taser also has a recording of use on board and ID “confetti” with numbers for each individual cartridge.

  4. One, this isn’t a taser, it’s a stun gun. Two, this guy is probably being overly dramatic. I was hit with a stun gun by a friend. Did it hurt? Yes. Can you fight through it? Yes. I don’t remember how powerful the model I was hit by was, they may be logarithmic on the pain they inflict for all I know. That said, I wouldn’t rely on one to stop someone. For less lethal defense I’d go with an Asp for someone physically fit and probably pepper spray for someone who isn’t. That stuff is god awful. I’m sure there are some guys who could fight through it, but not very many.

    • I agree, I have a couple of the, very nice for the money, spring billys as used in Europe. I keep a Monadnock baton in the truck also, I like the push button Auto Lock it has. It is not considered illegal in SC if carried in your back pocket and not totally concealed-so says State Law Enforcement Division. I prefer OC over the Taser, and I’ve been certified on all three of these. It is so ironic that the Asp-type baton is seen as defensive now. A similar weapon was used by the OSS, later CIA, for assassination in WWII.

  5. You guys are correct, this is a stun gun and not a taser. It’s also a wimpy stun gun cuz it didn’t take him down. These little stun guns start at 20,000 volts and go up to 1.2 mil. The amps are what kills you not the volts and these have small amp amounts. I have a couple of 900,000 volt stunners that will knock you out cold.

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