We here at TTAG are concerned that economically disadvantaged, legally challenged shooters are misrepresenting the marksmanship skills possessed by the majority of the firearms community. Every single day we hear about gun battles where criminals fail to hit their target, even at close range. Obviously, bad strategy, improper weapon and ammunition choices and poor training are to blame. To help correct these deficiencies, TTAG offers these helpful hints for gun slingers wielding weapons beyond the letter of the law. Let’s start with weapons choice . . .

1. Use the biggest gun you can find

Rifles are easier to get than crabs, but you can no more conceal a rifle than you can hide a hard-on from Rhianna. So get a handgun. A BIG handgun. ‘Cause that’s some scary ass shit. And the bigger the gun, the bigger the bullet (larger bullets are more stable in flight than small ones).

Also, handguns are like fine wine; they get more accurate once they’re fully broken in (as long as you don’t pamper them too much). A really big, really old gun is the perfect combo. Just make sure you don’t hold the gun too tightly; recoil can really hurt and, more importantly, mess up your aim. Alternatively . . .

2. Use the smallest gun you can find

The element of surprise always favors the guy with the small gun. (If nothing else, they’re harder to see in the dark.) The bullets from a small gun f you up just as bad as the bullets fired from a bigger gun, which are usually the same bullets anyway. So why not keep it on the down-low?

Remember: small guns don’t do jack unless you pull the trigger really hard and really fast and you’ve got a really hot load (a lot of powder and a large caliber bullet). A snub-nosed 38 (named after the year it was invented) firing .357’s is the ideal set-up. It may take a little extra effort to get big bullets into a small gun, but it’s worth it!

3. Double up!

If you shoot two guns—one in each hand—you double the chances of hitting your target. While it might be cool to have two of the same guns like some Old West gunfighter, you’re much better off with two different types of guns: a revolver in one hand and a semi in the other. Revolvers never fail and semis never need reloading.

Don’t forget that different bullets do different things: small bullets go really fast and big bullets make huge holes. Get two different caliber bullets and fire both at the same time. Safe!

4. Cant the gun

Turn the gun sideways. Sure, you can’t use the sights when the gun’s tilted, but most combat shooters don’t use sights anyway (they call it “instinctive shooting” or “point shooting”). Besides, using the sights screws up your eye line. You want to be able to stare your victim in the eyes before you shoot them. Sometimes they literally freeze with fear, making them an easy target.

5. Don’t practice

Training ranges are monitored by the ATF, FBI, DEA and CNBC using real-time video links to local and state police. Even worse: the signal’s processed by computers with advanced facial recognition software. If you practice at a gun range even once, the prosecution can use it as proof of premeditation.

Why bother practicing anyway? Shooting a gun is ridiculously easy. If a stupid redneck can kill a deer with a rifle, you can take out a rival gang banger with a handgun, no sweat.

I’m sure TTAG’s Armed Intelligentsia have other handy tips for gunfighters whose selfless pursuit of income redistribution means they need to keep it real on the street. I’ll leave you with one bonus tip: most guns kick upwards when you fire them. If you want to hit what you’re aiming it, push the gun’s nose down as you shoot. You can thank me later.

11 Responses to Five Gunfighting Tips for Criminals

  1. Don't worry too much about caliber, as long as it is pretty close–you may need a hammer to get the .357 bullets all the way into the .38. A hot tip is to use .44 magnums in a .45 colt–a little duct tape, and you are all set.
    (A cop I talk to online says he once arrested someone carrying a gun with duct taped .44's)

  2. Be sure to cock the hammer before you put your pistol in your pocket, waistband, or glove compartment. Do what the pros do; you don't want to waste time working that long double-action trigger when the trouble starts. If it's a semi-auto, NEVER use the safety! The original .45 Automatics didn't have safeties until the lawyers made Colt put them on. Cocked-and-locked is for lawyers and losers; badasses are straight-up cocked and ready to rock!

    Speaking of being ready to rock, remember to get your finger inside the trigger guard and start to pre-tension the trigger before you start to draw the gun out of your waistband. This old gunfighter's trick will help you fire your gun *much* sooner than your opponent!

  3. Remember to take your gloves off before handling the ammunition, the trace DNA and fingerprints will make sure you can claim your kill!

  4. I get the pun, pun a plenty here, but it just ain't funny friends. I know it's a joke, you know it's a joke but the liberal editor & reporter won't give a damn. All we need is channel 9 News picking up on this and reporting how TTAG is advising criminals how to shoot people in the course of a crime. Please, let's not shoot ourselves in the foot here. Respectfully,
    Kent

    • I suppose you have a point – ask Jonathan Swift about the response to his "A Modest Proposal" but…the Lefties, Progressives, and anti-gun guys are frothing at the mouth anyway. I believe in never leaving a scared cow unscathed. Or un-Gored. As the case may be. So if I can add one or two more suggestions to the list,

      "Flipping your semi-auto sideways not only looks "Gangsta," but it also provides entertainment for the bystanders, as they watch a waterfall of hot brass come flying up and out from your Glock. Even better, consider the sport in having to avoid the hot brass flying back in your face…definitely worth the extra effort for style points."

      "The Desert Eagle .50 cal is THE handgun of choice for the gangstaz-in-the-know. It's increased weight, increased cost, and harder-to-find and even-more-expensive ammo virtually guarantee that you'll be the one everyone fears when you're in your next drive-by."

      And my fave:

      "Ear protection is for sissies. They don't use it on TV, so why should you? REAL men shoot large caliber handguns from inside small, enclosed spaces (further pimpin' yo ride with brass bling). If your ears don't bleed or ring for at least a week after you empty a magazine of .50 cal into some poor 'ho, you just ain't doin' it right, dawg. Word."

  5. Hold the gun as high above youur head as possible. After firing, immediately stick it back in your waistband. (Great SATIRICAL Article. Very HUMOROUS, Tongue-in-cheek)

  6. When shooting a MAC-10 on full auto, hold it up over your head with one hand, like you’re giving someone an overhand right. This will help stabilize that open bolt pumping back and forth.

    Also, buy a realoader. Squares always put in the required amount of grains, but you gangsta dog! Put 10 more grains per round for added punch!

  7. 5 gun fighting tips for criminals? I can’t believe someone would write this article
    I think I will skip this website and go to the next one!!

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