Sports writers have a lot more leeway than reporters covering any other topic. They’re about as likely to provide straight reporting as a gay man is to masturbate to a picture of Marissa Miller. But there are limits, and I think Yahoo! Sports writer Dan Wetzel has found them.

VANCOUVER, British Columbia – There was once a guy from Finland named Simo Hayha. He was a farmer, and for fun he liked to practice shooting his rifle. He grew quite accomplished at it. Then, in 1939, the Red Army invaded Finland. At age 34, he decided he would take his rifle and shoot Soviets.

He wore all white and would bury himself in the snow so Soviet soldiers wouldn’t see him until they walked by and he could kill them. He would put snow in his mouth so his breath couldn’t be detected in the 20-below air. The Soviets kept sending special units to hunt for just him. He would promptly shoot down the entire group.

He killed a confirmed 505 Soviets with his rifle and some 200 more with a submachine gun. He did this all in 100 days flat. He was nicknamed “White Death.” He may be the greatest soldier of all time.

Simo Hayha passed away in 2002 and was not available to play hockey for Finland in Friday’s Olympic semifinal game against the United States.

As such, the USA crushed the Finns 6-1.

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